I’m scared I won’t add up to your expectations. I’m not perfect, I’m not gorgeous, I don’t have the prettiest smile . I’m not always going to look my greatest. I’m not always going to know the right thing to say & the right time to say it. I am very emotional and I do have pretty bad mood swings. I usually overreact over dumb little things and cry over nothing. I get jealous but that only proves that I care enough not to lose you. I’m impatient, insecure and at times, selfish. But I’m trusting you with something I know you can break. I’m going to trust you with everything I’ve got an put my heart out for everyone to see. I’m going to accept you for the person you are and love you. So if you choose to love me, then love me for me - for who I am, for what I hope to become, for the drama that you’re going to have to go through and for the flaws that I come with.
It’s the scariest thing ever to realize how much someone means to you. When it hits you, I mean really hits you, all these thoughts and questions rush through your head at once. A sad emotion even starts to creep on you slowly inch by inch as you start to wonder.
What if for some reason things don’t work out? How are you possibly going to live without them?
Someone that was once a stranger now is the only person you know like the back of your hand. Someone you once had no emotions for, now has the power to break your heart. Someone you used to never hangout with, now owns most of your time. Someone that you thought you’d never love, owns your entire heart. Someone you once lived without, you now wish to hold on forever.
Kusut. Serabut. Hati aku rasa nak meletup. Lagi berkecai bila kau bilang ' I'm sick of you '. Jadi aku pilih untuk jauhkan diri. Mudahan kau tak rasa nak muntah tengok aku.
Bila fikir balik, perlu ke aku rasa sedih. Sebab aku dah ungkap kata maaf sama kau. Aku jugak kah yang egois ? Kalau masih yang egois itu aku, maaf. Maaf seribu maaf. Aku tak kuat, nak lalui semua ni. Aku cuba yang terbaik untuk kuatkan diri.
Kan aku dah kata, aku ni selemah lemah perempuan. Tak tau sampai bila aku nak tahan. Mungkin, kalau tak mampu nak tahan, aku pilih untuk mulakan yang baru. Dengan persekitaran baru mungkin ? Asal kau puas.
Aku letih, nak tidur. Bila bangun mudahan semua ni mimpi buruk cuma. Mudahan.
*Terima kasih, sebab tak tinggal aku sendiri waktu aku jatuh.
Yesterday was... Hmm how do I say. Entahlah. Astaghfirullahalazim, mengucap panjang aku. Im happy now, with my life. With my family, with my boo, my friends. Syukur alhamdulillah. I have papa mama kakshana and adik,i have keding, i have my bitches yang selalu ada with me, my gossip gigirl , my Flash or my Fantastic Four and i have Muhammad Fauzi with me. Im strong enough you know. Life's good for the time being and hopefully sampai bila bila.And im so semangat to strive for my final exam sebab nak lawan dengan Fauzi sebab dia dapat DL and i dont. I envy him. So yeah. Life's good.
Plus, tyong ada new crush ! I'm happy for him even hmmm. Forget it. Im happy for him. He used to mean the world to me, and i do sayang him and i wanna see him smile. You know, gelak dia yang besar tu. 'Hohoi gelaknya pun adoi'*Johan's style. Haha dia suka cakap macam ni tak. Haha maigod i miss him. Rindu merepek dengan dia and we end up cracked macam hape. Its so much fun lepak dengan dia cause i can be myself, i can merepek all night long and dia pon Zassss layannnn. Haha. Too bad we're not in good term anymore. Hmm. Kay enough with him.
Again, hidup aku bahagia sekarang. Yeah i used to be that one girl with scattered heart but now im the girl who'll burst out laughing over lawak yang tak lawak sangat pon. Thank you , for mending my heart bebi. Kita sayang awak, awak doktor kita kan. Hihi. Bak kata awak, tunjuk sayang tu dekat orang yang kita sayang bukan dekat orang lain. Noted, sayang.
Yesterday, someone cuba nak buat kita goyah ye tak ? I just dont get it, dont you have something else to do ? He's mine now, so will you please, let him go ? Its time for you to move on. Appreciate people, while still can. And in your case, its too late. Thats your fault. He's all yours but you take him for granted. K i dont have any right to talk bout this. Just wanna let you know, he told me everything, bout his past. We share everything. We used to have late night call, talk about everything, bout our exes. Just nak cakap, apa yang kau cuba buat, you're just wasting your time woman. You're making us stronger than before. Thank you for that. So please, stop all your bullshit. After all you've done, i wonder kenapa sekali pon aku tak pernah panggil kau betina or whore, bitch or whatsoever . I do respect you woman, so please respect my relationship. Yeah aku tak study kat UK but i think im wiser than you. My boo and i decided not to play your game. So please stop will you ? However if you insist, we will play your game but we'll play it my way kay ?
'Let me handle this , trust me. I'm not doing this for me but i'm doing this for us.'